i always wanted

a job where i wore a suit each day. now that i have it, i am seriously reconsidering my desire for such a heinous outfit, day in, day out. i thought with a suit came power, with power came money, and with money, came happiness. i was wrong.

although happiness is something that ought to be striven for, it is something that is difficult to quantify. happiness to you is most certainly different than happiness to me. yesterday i took a piece of paper and wrote down everything that made me happy. it read something like this.

* rhys laughing
* dancing
* baking
* my friends

my list stopped there. i don't have friends like i did in arizona, and perhaps i will never have friends like that again. i have about 3 friends out here i can call who will pick up their phone at any time. this hurts my heart, but is a sad reality of my existence in california. rhys laughs frequently, screams only sometimes, and is all around an amazing child. i am lucky. dance is dance is dance is. i love it so much that that is all i want to do ( outside of hanging out with rhys), although it is good i have such a ferocious passion for it that it has become borderline unhealthy ( in terms of my obsessiveness with it). baking is fabulous but can lead to the expansion of my waistline that is less than.

although currently i am 5 pounds away from my pre-baby weight ( 115), i am still struggling to see the "in shape" or "thin" person that i know everyone else sees. i don't know when i began have such a dysmorphic image of myself. when i look in the mirror i see a fat girl. a huge girl. when i step on the scale i want to lose more. i think, truthfully, i will never be skinny enough, for me, but for my health i know i need to keep my weight loss/exercise fanaticism under control as it is dangerous for me to see myself as being any less than how i know i am, in shape and beautiful.

i miss my friends back home. i feel forgotten about often. i hate feeling forgotten/blown off/ etc. it makes me sad. i am sad often, but i try to be happy more often than i am sad. i am afraid of being judged for being myself, constantly. i have always been different, when i was younger i was cast out for it, now i am older i feel like an outcast, just in a different way.

this entry feels depressing, but i suppose it echoes the reality of my current existence. things will look up, but i need to find more things to put on my "happy" list, because four will never cut it.