i hate admitting when i am wrong

but i was wrong. i made a post before about the man being not wonderful for me. just wonderful. i was wrong.

he is perfect for me and i was just too pigheaded to admit it to myself or to him. i want him back in the worst way, and let me just say i am never in a position such as this. ever. but i am. and for the first time in my life i have thrown all of my emotions ( you know, the ones i force down all of the time) on the table. i hope it isn't too late. i know i hurt him so badly.

i am stressed to a point almost unhealthy as i am afraid that the damage was to great. but i know my love is so strong. i pray that his is too. i pray for healing of our hearts and souls and building our relationship back to the beautiful place i know it can be and where it was.

i can barely write in fear of this not coming true. i can barely breathe until i know it will come true. things have changed, i know, but i think for the better i think we have both learned and grown and can enjoy each other without the stress of living together. i hope. i pray.

i feel like every sappy copeland song is about him, and american nightmare has got it all figured out.

i love him. i really do. so much, with my entire heart. i can't believe i let him go. i feel so utterly idiotic.

remember to breathe. remember to breathe. remember to breathe.

constantly reminding myself to not shut down my emotions, that he is worth being vulnerable for. he is worth being hurt over.

remember to breathe.

i am going to LA

tomorrow. to see an old love. hoping for a rekindling. perhaps, i was wrong in my previous post. i think he is wonderful for me, yet i was dealing with so much of my own drama that i was unable to see him for what he is. i miss him often. i miss him always. i hope he wants to be with me. so badly. i guess we will see how tomorrow goes. and the day after... and the day after that.

remember to breathe.

i always wanted

a job where i wore a suit each day. now that i have it, i am seriously reconsidering my desire for such a heinous outfit, day in, day out. i thought with a suit came power, with power came money, and with money, came happiness. i was wrong.

although happiness is something that ought to be striven for, it is something that is difficult to quantify. happiness to you is most certainly different than happiness to me. yesterday i took a piece of paper and wrote down everything that made me happy. it read something like this.

* rhys laughing
* dancing
* baking
* my friends

my list stopped there. i don't have friends like i did in arizona, and perhaps i will never have friends like that again. i have about 3 friends out here i can call who will pick up their phone at any time. this hurts my heart, but is a sad reality of my existence in california. rhys laughs frequently, screams only sometimes, and is all around an amazing child. i am lucky. dance is dance is dance is. i love it so much that that is all i want to do ( outside of hanging out with rhys), although it is good i have such a ferocious passion for it that it has become borderline unhealthy ( in terms of my obsessiveness with it). baking is fabulous but can lead to the expansion of my waistline that is less than.

although currently i am 5 pounds away from my pre-baby weight ( 115), i am still struggling to see the "in shape" or "thin" person that i know everyone else sees. i don't know when i began have such a dysmorphic image of myself. when i look in the mirror i see a fat girl. a huge girl. when i step on the scale i want to lose more. i think, truthfully, i will never be skinny enough, for me, but for my health i know i need to keep my weight loss/exercise fanaticism under control as it is dangerous for me to see myself as being any less than how i know i am, in shape and beautiful.

i miss my friends back home. i feel forgotten about often. i hate feeling forgotten/blown off/ etc. it makes me sad. i am sad often, but i try to be happy more often than i am sad. i am afraid of being judged for being myself, constantly. i have always been different, when i was younger i was cast out for it, now i am older i feel like an outcast, just in a different way.

this entry feels depressing, but i suppose it echoes the reality of my current existence. things will look up, but i need to find more things to put on my "happy" list, because four will never cut it.