lunch at home.

As per usual these days. I am not certain if this is a depressing action or an "adult" decision. I mean, after all, it is more fiscally beneficial to me to go home and eat/not eat and read emails, etc. However, sitting alone on my bed with my lap top in its name given place, I begin to think about all of the things that I am able to push out of my mind on a day to day basis.

I always hear that I am scary successful. I am not certain what that means, but from what I can it means that I frighten men off with my career. Lovely. My daughter asked me for a family for Christmas. Which we have, me, her, my roomate and our house dog, oscar the dog. Of course my Mother is an ever present fixture in our lives, yet only when she can, and the drives from Arizona she makes bimonthly must be killing her. Yet she makes them anyways.

My Mother turns 60 in 2010. I am terrified that one day she will die. This sounds morbid, I know, but I have come to realize that I don't need a relationship with any men because my love for my Mother would outreach any love I could have for a man that will, inevitably, fuck up and treat me like shit. She has become so much more than a Mother since I have had my daughter. Perhaps this is the typical evolution of the Mom-Daughter bond. In High School I never understood her rules and her mantras. I never understood why I could not have designer jeans and everything I wanted. I get it now. I get it all. My mother begged me to never get tattooed. Of course, 1 month after turning 18 I ignored her completely, and got my legs tattooed. Of course I ignored her. And of course, 6 years later I wear tights every day of my life under my suits. I wish I didn't have to, and one day I will ask, for Christmas, for those tattoos to be removed. Full circle, like a child, begging to be fixed for the mistake I knowingly made.

Not that there is anything wrong with tattoos, because I feel like they are beautiful and I love all of mine. ( Some she still has never seen.... and it will be kept like that for all eternity), I just wish I would have chosen better places to be initially rebellious.

I dance a lot now. Like every day. My goal is to be a proam competitive ballroom dancer within the next two years. I know I can do it. I was just given the opportunity to train with a man who has not picked up a new student in 3 years. He asked me to be his student, and I must say I am proud of myself. I like to be good at things. Don't we all? I just like to be the best. Because if I am not number one I truly feel like I have failed.

I should work on that. That is probably ( yet another one) of my relationship hindrances.

Goals for 2k10 ( to date)

Be a better mommy, every day.
Bronze 1-3 in my dances.
Get promoted.
Smile more, laugh more.
Date a man worth my time, and recognize ( immediately) when he is not.
Finish my house

That's all, for now.

Also, side note: The boy I moved out to Redlands for was wonderful, just not wonderful for me. In case there is any confusion. I ruined that by being me. Like I always do.